Always New Depths

Summertime has come and gone, all used up with wishful thinking
Get sussed up, get cynical, in this world there are no second chances
Crawling round on all fours, curl yourself into a circle
I will tear myself apart, if you promise to paint me
As a work of art...
- Kele Okereke

A lot of the other CJP members have been doing some reflecting on their Japan and university experience, asking themselves a few questions… "Why am I here?" and "Is this what/where I’m supposed to be?" So I figured I would give it a shot at answering the questions for myself…

So first off, why Japan?
My interest in Japan probably started around junior high school. I remember studying Japan in my social studies class, with Mr. Abrams, who, besides being insane, was a very good teacher. He went on stress leave for a few months at one point, but that seemed to be normal in my school. My science teacher actually had a bottle of hard liquor in her desk, and the substitute that replaced her when she went on stress leave was driven crazy by the students himself. ("That was my favorite shell!!! /cries")

But besides all that, I actually really enjoyed learning about Japan, the history and culture. It was so much more interesting than all the months we spent learning about Canadian history, because Japan is much older and is so much cooler. Canada is young and kinda boring.
Around the same time I read a book that really got me interested in Japan. Oddly enough the book was a humor book, "Dave Barry Does Japan" (I’ve mentioned/quoted it before), basically describing the culture of Japan from a typical western perspective. And while the book made me laugh a lot, and made me want to go to Japan just to see some of the funny stuff, I also really related about what the author said about the people. How even if they couldn’t speak English, they would try to help you as best they could; how people would welcome you into their stores and actually want your business; how people would show kindness and respect to each other at all times; and how silence can be golden, and it’s ok to sit in quiet.

That last part was very important to me… not only was I very shy in junior high, but grade 7 was my first year in Calgary. I had no close friends, and I was stuck in the one class that had all the loudest, rowdiest kids in my grade. So learning about Japan and reading Dave Barry’s book really made me want to go there.

My interest in Japan steadily grew, first from the great company of Squaresoft, then from all the other cool technology I read about from all the hi-tech Japanese companies. I considered Japan to be cool, with its history of samurai and ninja, its current culture with the crazy teenagers, bright lights, and high tech gizmos in Tokyo, and the calm, peaceful setting and rich culture of Kyoto. And I knew it would be a place I would travel to lots once I was able to.
So that’s why I chose Japan, but is only part of the reason why I came here. Did I find what I was looking for here? Well, I’ll discuss that a little later.

I guess the second question people are asking is whether they should have gone into engineering in the first place.
When I was in high school I knew I was going to university, but I really didn’t know what I wanted to take. I was good in math and science, took the AP classes. I still don’t know why I took bio, I hated bio, but the people in the class made it so much fun. But in university, what could I go into? Business? Heck no, I couldn’t sell, manage, or market anything. Med school? Never liked bio, and hated the dissections especially. Science or math? It was my original choice, but I couldn’t picture myself stuck in a lab for 50 years. So by default, I went into engineering. It combined math and science with some design and creativity, I figured it would be perfect for me.

What do I think now? To be honest, some parts of university scared me off of the field. Design class in first year was supposed to prepare us for what being an engineer would be like. This was scary because we were given very dumb projects, with very dumb group members (The only good group I had was for the dumbest of the projects… speed skating crash mats). For our Engineers Without Borders assignment, we had to design a waste management system for an extremely poor region in Africa, and my group members came up with the idea of indoor plumbing. The second semester project of building a speed skating robot was done completely by myself, with only one of the other three group members showing up for only one very short meeting. Was real engineering going to be like this? I hope not… I figure if you manage to get through all four years, you should at least have some knowledge and motivation, but it’s something I won’t know till I’m there.

The other thing that I found out is that eventually engineers shift from the design and building part of things to management. I know many people are looking forward to this aspect, but it scares me actually. I’m not a manager or a leader, and doubt I ever will be. I hate telling people what to do or how to do it. But there’s hope I guess, I do have choices… Woz was founder of a major computer company (Apple) and he still stays behind the scenes, and does the more hands-on, design work, and is one of the most important people in that company.

So was engineering the right choice? Besides these concerns, engineering seems to have been the best choice for me. It’ll get me a good job when I graduate, it’s interesting, and it combines all the things I enjoy. Besides the bad professors (probably the majority), I quite like most of the material I’m studying. And not only was it a good choice for me, but I think I made a difference to other people too. I helped many of my fellow engineers out with homework and studying in my first year especially. And also, would I be here now, living by myself in a country halfway around the world, if I didn’t go into engineering? Unlikely…

Hopefully my concerns about the engineering field will be dealt with once I graduate, and so I won’t worry about that until the time comes.

And now the question, why am I here?
This one’s difficult. I’m sure all you CJP’ers get the same question I do, "Why did you come to Japan?" all the time. And it’s difficult because the real reason I came to Japan is never the reason I say I did.

I’ll start by explaining how I got here… At the end of my second year at university, while looking up the internship program on my school’s website, I saw a tiny link at the bottom of one page about some sort of Co-op Japan Program. I couldn’t believe it… wow, a chance to go to Japan for my internship!? I knew at the start of third year I’d have to look into it, but didn’t seriously think I could ever get a job.

I met with the co-op coordinators in September of my third year to discuss the program. I was the first one to show interest. He told me I’d have to go through the UBC to get all the information and apply and everything, but he would hold a meeting with a past CJP student to describe the program. An email was sent out to the other engg students, and about 20 showed up to the meeting. It was quite informative, but most of it I had known about from my own research. At the end of the meeting, only 3-4 people said they were seriously interested. I was surprised actually… a once in a lifetime opportunity like this and so few wanting to go?

So I did most of the work myself, applications, signing up for night classes in Japanese (brutal in the middle of winter in Calgary… staying at school till 9pm and then goin home in the freezing cold). I think I was the only one from my school to apply. Many of my friends were quite surprised, they thought it was just an idea, that I wouldn’t really go through with it. I still wasn’t very optimistic about getting a job, I figured competition must be very fierce.

When I got the phone call from Jenny at the UBC in December I was in shock… I was actually going to go to Japan for my internship!

"I always had an interest in Japan, and the culture is fascinating. In Canada we don’t have the history and culture that Japan has. I thought it would be really neat living and working here" is along the lines of what I say to people when they ask why I came to Japan, and the reasons I say it are twofold. Number one, obviously, is as a compliment to their country, but number two is that it’s hard to explain the real reason why I’m here. Not that the reason above is untrue, it’s very true. It’s a good reason that I came to Japan. But it’s not THE reason.

Then there’s the fact that it’s good for my future. "Any internship is great experience. Useful for finding a job in the future, and great hands on experience, and it gives a chance to relate what you learn in school to the real world. And then having international work experience as well as a foreign language looks even better on a resume. When I get out of school I should have no trouble finding a job, especially in Calgary." Once again, a reason, but not THE reason.

The reason I came to Japan was a little more selfish. I came to Japan for me, for self-discovery and self-improvement. I wanted to experience new things and challenge myself in ways I haven’t before.

Back in Calgary, before I came to Japan, I was a very shy guy (more than now). Not able to talk to strangers at all, and even around my friends, in a group, I’d sit in the back, listening more than talking. I was a picky eater, not liking to try new things, not really liking to eat at all, cept for my sugar cravings while playing poker. As a result, I was (and am) quite thin, and my friends would always bug me about how young I looked. Looking young, thin, shy, geeky, the smart guy, doesn’t do a lot for your self esteem.

I’ve never been very good at making or keeping friends either. I keep in touch with one person from my elementary school now, and two people from junior high, but even in Calgary talking with them was mostly through MSN. My current friends in Calgary I’ve only known since grade 11. But just before I left Calgary, most of my friends were dating, and the ones who weren’t were partying in Europe. So there weren’t many reasons to stay, and lots of reasons to go to Japan. I was hoping that my adventure would open my eyes a bit, and it certainly has.

So how has Japan affected me? Well I have a lot more independence than I did back home. In Calgary I didn’t even live in my parent’s basement, I lived on the main level. >< Now I live by myself, and have learned to cook and clean (kinda), but also follow my own rules, sleeping, goin to work, payin the bills, etc.

Public nudity scared the crap outta me back home. And what better way to adjust than to be forced right into it hours after stepping off the plane.

My confidence has improved… the fact that I am by myself, halfway round the world from where I’ve been all my life, in a country I’ve never been to, where I can’t speak the language, will do that to you. I’ve joined the gym, and with my own cooking I’ve gained 8 pounds since I’ve been here. I have new friends to think I’m crazy. I’ve impressed myself with my ability to try new foods, such as cow stomach and horse sashimi. Public nudity and communal baths don’t even phase me anymore.

Probably the biggest example of my confidence is right here… I’m actually writing my real thoughts and posting them on the internet. I rarely open up to anybody, most people only see my outer, crazy side. So maybe this post will let you know a little more about me.

Though there’s still more I’d like to work on, I’ve changed and grown a lot by being here.
Did I find what I was looking for here, culture wise? Well, maybe it’s too early to tell…
The one thing that is still extremely difficult is talking to strangers. Starting a conversation with someone I don’t know still terrifies me, but that may be due to the language barrier too. Hopefully I will improve my Japanese and be able to talk to people more easily.

Because of this language barrier too, it’s hard to experience life in Japan. I tend to be more of an observer than a participant, like I am in groups back home. I get to see the culture of Japan, but it’s difficult for me to get involved, to see what people are like. Once again, maybe when my Japanese improves…

As for the "Stages of Adjustment" that people are supposed to go through when they arrive in Japan, I never went through the typical stages: "Excitement, confusion, frustration, depression, homesickness, and acceptance" (thanks Boon Hau). I remember I had one stage on the airplane, fear and doubt… what would the people at the company be like? What would the dorm be like? Will I be able to eat the food? Will I have to talk all in Japanese? Are my language skills good enough?

And then I went right into acceptance. Having a random stranger on the train invite you to a public bath will do that to you. Not that I haven’t been confused (trust me, I have), frustrated, depressed, and homesick, I have, but just for a short time period, maybe a couple hours of homesickness every once in a while, not in a stage. I was rather prepared for the Japanese culture. I had read a lot of travel guides and culture guides about Japan before coming here, I knew pretty much what to expect. Maybe I read too much? I’m sure a lot of stuff would have been more shocking and funny (like the onsen cleaning ladies or the greasers in Yoyogi) if I hadn’t been expecting them.

I guess the final question would be "What now?"
Well, I have plenty to do while I’m in Japan. I gotta learn language first so that there’s no excuse not to get involved in Japanese culture. I gotta keep going to the gym, and gaining weight, and getting my confidence up. I gotta make friends with more Japanese people and maybe talk to some random strangers myself.

Once I get back to Canada, the main thing is to find myself a summer job. Maybe, since I can’t do a traditional interview anyway, I’ll start looking for jobs outside of Calgary and have a fun exciting summer. Then it’s back to school for fourth year. After that, I really don’t know what I’ll get into. And I’m not really concerned about that. There’s so many choices out there, I’m sure I’ll find the one that’s right for me.

* In 25 posts this is my first "serious" one. Sorry if you didn’t find it as entertaining, but please let me know what you think – leave me a comment.