Open Door’s an Invitation! Gotta Jump While the Door’s Open!

I was just guessing, At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh when I rush to the start
Running in circles, Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I’m going back to the start
- "The Scientist", Coldplay

"Falling's easy, you just fall. Jumping requires strength of will.
"You should really try the jumping, it's the greatest feeling in the world"
- Dead Like Me

As I have mentioned before, work isn't going so well. I don't really know why I'm here. To make the company look good I suppose. Or maybe I'm supposed to teach English? Or de-culture shock my coworkers? But it's difficult for me, since I'm shy, and the lack of language makes me feel even shyer. I'd feel like it's my fault, I was foolish to go to Japan without a larger grasp on the language, but my company specifically wanted someone with very little Japanese in the first place.

So that leads me here, right now. Sitting in my office with very little work to do. Too much time on my hands, and nothing to spend it on. I know some people would like this kind of job, but I'd rather have too much work to do than barely any at all. Feeling productive makes me happy. When I look to the future, I don't see four months of steady work ahead. In place of work I predict more emailing and reading news on the internets. Same with when I'm at my dorm... winter is depressing, and besides gym, dinner, and pushups, there's a lot of time to fill up every night. I see a long road stretched out in front of me, barren at the moment, and it's my job to fill it, make it easier to walk down.

So what do I do with all the empty time ahead? What do I fill it with? Well, I've had a lot of time to think at work, and there's a few things I'd really like to do.

Well, to start, I've been reading a lot since I came to Japan. (Re)Reading both of Douglas Adams' series, especially his miscellaneous writings at the beginning of the Salmon of Doubt, I was blown away. Followed that up with the amazing Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury, Asimov's "The Last Question", and the numerous other stories and books, made me think, wow, I want to write too! Or maybe I could draw. I've wanted to draw for years, I've gotten books out of the library, tried some little sketches, but never really sat down and tried to draw.

At my dorm I have time on my hands, why not make some music? I never leave home without my iPod, and my music is usually on when I'm at home. I even sleep with music on! I have music software on my computer, and I had a keyboard in Canada, and rarely used it.

So why don't I? Fear I guess... the thing I like least about myself is my lack of self confidence. Fear of failure, of not being good enough.

The best example is myself in Japan. I don't like trying to talk to people in Japanese because I think I'll just embarrass myself. I want to wait until I learn more Japanese so I'll be able to speak better... unfortunately, the best way to learn is through practice. I'm currently procrastinating sending out my resume because I'm afraid it's not good enough. I always seem to sit on the sidelines, learning the theory, studying the language, reading the rules, instead of getting out there and playing the game.

"If you've been putting off a jump... just putting it off... sometimes the subtle things are what make you take the plunge."

Why am I writing this? Well, probably because of work. Work's given me a lot of time to think, and all these things are things I really want to do, if only I can just stop worrying about the outcome and just doing them! And maybe by writing this will give me some resolve, will push me forward. Life's too short to live on the sidelines!

All the times I did take a risk, did what I really wanted to do, I haven't regretted it. Applying to Japan was one of the best choices I've ever made. Even a few months ago, deciding to join the gym and going every day was a big step, and I'm incredibly glad I made it.

I'm going to start writing a short story this week, maybe I'll post my results on my blog when (if ever) I finish it... and if it's no good, I'll just try again! I'm also buying something this weekend that will make me happy, I'll put a photo of it up on Monday.

"The best thing about cliffs is jumping!"
"I'm not much for jumping. I'm not much for landing either."
"You don't have to worry about where you land..."
"A leap of faith?"

I want to be a Jumper.