You are Disoriented. Blackness Swims Toward You Like a School of Eels Who Have Just Seen Something that Eels Like a Lot.

"You know, it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a weightlifting gym with a man whose odor knows no boundaries, and I'm about to die of asphyxication, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."

The past week's gym experiences have been difficult on me, but I think I'm finally ready to share what I pay 89 bucks a month to put up with.

The Konami Sports Club is open 6 days a week, and I try to go each of those days unless some fun and exciting plans come up. And since I started going there in September, I've noticed one simple thing.

People are insane.

It's so bad that I can categorize the different types of insanity in the gym. And of course some people deserve a category all to themselves.

I apologize if any of these events are considered normal, I just know they are funny to watch. And some not so funny.

The first category is attire. Notable mention goes to all the people with engrish on their clothes, or wear a towel on their heads, or have radioactive shoes, or the old guys in spandex shorts. But the gold medal winner goes to the average aged/sized guy who wore both spandex shorts, with a spandex training bra type thing that showed off his stomach. It was... wow. He'd get beaten up within seconds anywhere besides, and the police would come, but wouldn't charge anyone, saying there was just cause for the beating.

The second category is reserved for people whose exercise habits are, well, more unique than they should be. There's a lot in here.

First we have the hip hop dance class, filled with usually older people, some overweight, in which one of the dance moves is, well, a hip thrust ><. Also, one guy weight trains using a hip thrusting move. Plus many of the other "hip-hop" moves are very amusing, because they are being done by older japanese people and not young rap artists.

Related to innuendo-type exercises, we have the old guy who uses the tensor band thingy... to do... well, an up and down arm motion that just looks wrong. Very hard to do weights when he's in your field of view.

There's another old guy I saw yesterday, on one of the machines for the lower back, he was lifting up his t-shirt and rubbing his belly with both hands while he exercised.

There's another old guy who does literally thousands of crunches in a row. Like 1.5 a second for over 10 minutes. He either has abs of adamantium or he doesn't know what he's doing.

One stretch that a lot of people do resembles a cockroach... lying on their back flailing their arms and legs in the air.

And one poor younger guy, who is super super thin, who spends tons of time on the bike machines. He looks almost anorexic and yet he continues to use the bikes. I feel bad for him, but nothing I can do.

As far as gold for this category, gotta hand it to the tensor band guy who never fails to... well... creep me out.

But the gold medal for "Oh God!" at the gym goes to the guy on Friday. It was impossible to do any sort of weight training around him, he smelled so bad. But the weirdest thing was that his odor travelled a long distance but only very close to the floor... so bending down to do hyperextensions nearly killed us, even if he was far away. He gets a category all to himself.

What fun adventures await me tonight? I'll find out... after measuring more teeth.